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Dustin Johnson Wins FedEx St. Jude Classic – off a back injury

Dustin Johnson Wins FedEx St. Jude Classic – off a back injury

Back injury, schmack schminjury.  Dustin Johnson wins the Fedex St. Jude Classic.

MEMPHIS, TN-  “I’m like Wolverine, or Superman, or the T-1000 from Terminator 2,” is something Dustin Johnson was probably thinking to himself as he closed out his final round with a birdie propelling him to victory at TPC Southwind yesterday.  After riding the pine for almost 3 months nursing a back injury Johnson came out this week without having missed a beat.  That is athleticism if I’ve ever seen it.  Have you seen how that dude can crush the ball?  Over 300 yds with a 3 wood? Come on!  I couldn’t hit my 3 wood 300 yards if a took a “Happy Gilmore” running start, closed my eyes and wailed the ball like it owed me money, and then had my buddy Ben planted in a tree 200 yards down the fairway.  Ben would then catch my Callaway HX Hot in a small net, load it into a potato gun, and fire it toward the green.  Even then, in this highly likely scenario, I don’t think it would go as far as a nice and easy Dustin Johnson 3 wood.  But I guess that’s why he’s winning millions on the PGA Tour and I’m sitting on my fat butt blogging about it.

Before we go any further, though.  I have a few bones to pick.  A few things stuck in my craw as it were.  I’d like to address a few golfers personally.

1.  I just assumed that Dustin Johnson injured his back on the golf course since he can basically put a ball into orbit.  That is not the case.  To my surprise and chagrin I found out that he pulled a muscle in his back lifting a jet ski out of the water.  What!?  Are you kidding me?!  That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.  You missed 3 months of potential tour earnings because you didn’t have the foresight to hire someone to move your stupid Sea doo.  Or how about this:  Your physical health is your livelihood, so maybe keep off the floating speed traps until you retire.  Stop being so selfish.  That was money that could’ve put millions of dollars worth of food on your family’s table.  Because that’s what it’s really about, right?  Hang on…I just got a craving for 1 million dollar’s worth of pirogues.  That would be a decadent wave of taste sensation the likes of which the world has never seen.  So the bottom line is, Dustin Johnson:  the next time you feel like getting your “rush” on.  Stop and ask yourself, “Would the injury I could possibly inflict upon myself be worth losing all of Bobby’s pirogue money?”  The answer is a resounding “NO”, by the way.

2.  Rory McIlroy, Chad Campbell, and Nick O’Hern:  FOR SHAME!  All three of you could’ve won this tournament with a decent 18th hole and all three of you hooked it into the water.  That is bush league, dudes.  Bush league.  Good luck next week at the US Open you stupid idiots.

 

That felt good to get off my chest.  Sorry that got so heated you guys.  Still friends?

 

 

 


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